Week 4, Post 1: Getting to Know You

"So where are you from?"

"California."

"Ok, where at?"

"Northern California."

"Ok, so like part?"

"The Bay Area."

Obviously, this conversation is going nowhere and is moving at a snail's pace. In Chapter 9, the Depth and Breadth of Self-Disclosure really sparked my interest. Altman and Taylor's depth penetration analogy explains the "degree of disclosure in a specific area of an individual's life" (115). Their first point was that people disclose more general information about themselves at first, rather than intimate and personal details. I find this to be very true. When I first meet someone, I'm not going to tell them very personal things. I'm going to tell them I'm a student, a mom, and I work full-time. I'm not going to go into extreme detail about my circumstances. It's personal and I don't know you. Back off. And that's how most of us feel. We are guarded about the personal aspects of our lives because they are personal.

The second point self-disclosure involves the law of reciprocity. This is basically, you tell me your secret, and then (and only) will I tell you mine. When with someone new, one person doesn't usually give a long spiel about their entire life. Someone usually tells one special aspect, such as "Well what I really want in life is to be a nudist". And the other person will respond, "Wow, that's incredible. I actually want to be a tree-hugging hippie." It's also like sharing work in class. One student will tell the other, "Show me yours first, and then I'll show you mine." It's as if we are afraid that our disclosure will put off the other person, so we must barter something equal so both parties have something on the line.

The third point is that pentetration happens quickly at first but slows down when we start getting to the inner layers. We may disclose a lot of general and non-embarassing information in the beginning but as we get deeper into the relationship, this slows down. We are hesitant to tell our partner that we've had ten boyfriends in the last two years or that we're serial cheaters or we are afraid of intimacy. The more personal the information, the less willing we are to want to disclose it.

The fourth and final point that depenetration takes time. Altman and Taylor warn that a relationship can fail if discussion is closed or avoided on a subject that was previously addressed. I find a lot of truth in this point. In my current relationship I have found that when I close off a subject, the relationship suffers. There is still discussion but not about the very intimate thing that was previously discussed. It will only worsen until I reopen the discussion and re-engage in deep disclosure.